Weddings

They have always strange events to me, the holy union of two people in love really makes singles feel alone. You can't get away from the happy couples rubbing their relationships in every ones face, the women imagining theirs and the men just waiting for a pint.

Most of the weddings I have been to are family ones. It starts with you trying to get an outfit that you will look good in because you want to impress family members you haven't seen in a long time. That's hard enough to get the balance between slutty and classy, many people get that wrong and end up wearing some purple frilly condom.

You get there and are greeted with family members you have never seen and your mum says "this is your third cousin Toby" or "your great aunt Valerie" if she is that great why haven't I met her before?

Then you get the inevitable conversation with like fifty people "have you got a boyfriend?" You knew it was coming.

"No"

"Oh what a shame, a pretty little thing like you. Better get one soon before your ovaries dry up and die" or something along those lines.

And you want to say "yeah or I could be like your daughter, a whore with a brat with five possible fathers, bet she wishes she had waited till her ovaries died" or "I cant limit myself to one man they pay to much and I need money for rent" but instead you hold your tongue smile and give an awkward giggle.

My favourite is "oh the next time we all meet it might be for your wedding", my response, which I regret was "or your funeral."

Then you enter the church and, I don't know about everyone but I always feel like I'm going to burst in to flames or one of the statues is going to point at me and say "I know what you have done" or the priest is going to jump out from behind a marble pillar and drag me to the confessional box before the wedding can continue. Luckily this has never happened so you enter and someone gives you a piece of crappy printed paper with the names of the people getting married. Like your not going to know "oh that's good now I know who's bloody wedding I'm attending, thank god, coz I always go to random weddings".

Next you have to go to your side, the bride or the groom. Like it makes any difference. I always think this is out of order, what if one has more people that turned up then the other, it's like a mini popularity contest.

Then there's the whole stand up, sit down crap, the long ceremony that you can't see because there is always that person with the massive hat or big head in front of you. Next is the "if anyone knows of any reason these two should not be wed speak now or forever hold your piece" and there is that long pause in which you stand still and hold your breath in case you burp or sneeze or your arm voluntarily jumps up. my fave bit is the stupid hym singing and you never know the words and can't be bothered to read them on the crappy bit of paper. So you mouth it like your joining in and there is always that person who sings them at the top of their lungs like their gods personal teachers pet.

You leave and stand around for photos for hours. Oh god, then comes the bouquet throwing half the women, me included, run for the hills, and the other half fight to the death, desperately hoping that the legend is true and they will be next. Then it's all over and the fun can begin, you would think.

No, once you get to the party bit you have to sit through speech after speech each one given by person who seems to have turned in to some crappy comedian. For some people this is to much to bare and they drink the free bottle of wine turning in to that drunk one at the wedding, I can't lie this was me once, but at least I was funny. You always get that embarrassingly drunk individual that causes trouble, the last wedding I attended this was a woman who wouldn't believe my cousin was a lesbian and said it was "unnatural" and "she must be lying". Then she went around asking who people were, when it came to me I responded "I'm the grooms mistress" which got me a swift backhand from my mum.

You can't blame them for being drunk when you think that they haven't eaten all day. As appetising as the spread of volva vons, chicken nuggets, chicken legs, cheese sandwiches and bread is, no one eats it.

Still the party must continue with the drunks and slutty dressed teens in the mood to pull dancing away to the sounds of YMCA and Celebrate good times. Because we all know no wedding is complete without pulling out the shittest music possible, Reach for the stars, It's raining men etc. I never got that pulling at weddings thing, if its a family wedding, there is like 50% chance your pulling a distant relative...shudder.

Then about 12 someone tells you it's time to go home by hoovering around you. Thank god.

I will leave you with games I play at weddings to keep you occupied when you have to go to one.
1. The who is who game. You have to make up stories for everyone there. Grayham the crack addict is dating Julie who got ghoneria off of Giles last week, look they are talking about it now. If you really want to get in to it you and a friend, cousin or mum dub the conversation with your own.
2. This one doesn't need brain power, see how much food you can shiv in people's bags without them noticing.
I hope these help.