Apple Geniuses

WTF? Seriously I hate the apple store, I hate it with a passion. Their 'geniuses' are like smiling little slimy gremlins sniffing about for commission like its their "precious". By no means are these creatures of the light 'geniuses', I would go as far as to say they are the total opposite. It's like when you call a retard special, they have dredged the most brainless bints out of the bottom a swamp.

I rang up because my beloved poddy, iPod to you, is having problems with his headphone jack. So I rang them up and this twatty high pitched moron answered the phone.

"Apple store" yes I know it is you freak, I'm not randomly bashing my phones buttons like an oaf till I get hold of the most annoying person ever. I waited for the "how can I help?", signifying the start of the next part of the conversation where I tell her why I rang...it didn't come, so I took a leap.

"Yeah hi, my iPods headphone jack has broken, I can only get sound out of the right earpiece."

"Did you try another pair of headphones?" No, no that was not the first thing I thought of doing to remedy the situation. I actually thought I would try shoving blue tac in my eye and doing the rain dance while poking it with a crap stained stick.

"Yes"

"Is it still the same?" Are you kidding me? No it was all better so I rang you to inform you of my idiocy.

"Yes" at this point I couldn't decide whether this woman was being snide or generally was a simpleton. So I added "I also went to the doctor and he said both my ear holes are fine too before you ask, so it's definitely the headphone Jack."

Silence, she obviously doesn't have a sense of humour either.

"Yeah so I need to book in and see" I held in my laughter, "a genius."

"Er...ok...ill just check" check what? Whether I qualify to see one? The diary? That your brains haven't fallen on the floor along with your telephone manor? "Yeah the only appointment is Thursday 4oclock"

"Fine ill take that one"

"Alright.......that's booked in" How? How did you book it in? You don't have my name? Did you put me in as 'some girl' or 'headphone lady that's ears work'? At this point I felt this girl needed help.

"Don't you want my name?" Moron.

"Oh Yeah"

So I have her my name and email address and hung up before she spread her brainless disease on to me.

Today I intrepidly enter the apple store, it was like a zoo. There were people everywhere scrambling at laptops bolted to the tables in case one of the apes bashing the keyboards and dribbling ran off with one. It was like walking in to a zombie apocalypse. As i entered, making my way to the 'genius' bar, about five of them slithered up to me, easily identified, not only by their Justin Bieber haircuts, sickly smiles, hipster clothes and lens less glasses but also their red t-shirts with 'genius' written on them in bold white text.

"Can I help you?" I doubt it, but I humoured them.

"Yeah I have an appointment"

"Oh yeah," one said looking pleased like a stupid child that finally gets a question he can answer. "If you go over there to the Genius Bar" he pointed smugly to a table, to which, I hasten to add, I was going to anyway since it read in huge bold capitals 'GENIUS BAR'.

"Yeah thanks" I exclaimed pitying the brainless fool. I wanted to add "Because I never would have guessed if you hadn't told me, I would have got lost in this small square shop of wonders, I could have been walking around for hours suffering from malnutrition and dehydration and I didn't even bring water with me."

I get to the Genius Bar and a guy comes up to me and takes my name. Then he asks "What's the problem?" I once again explain. Then he asks "Did you bring it with you?" I just looked at him dumb founded. No I left it at home I was hoping you could fix it telepathically.

I put it on the table and guess what he did, go on guess. That's right he turned it off and then on again, put it on hold and off again, then did a reset while looking all happy with himself. Yeah because I haven't tried that already, like the reset is some sort of secret, everyone knows that crap. At this point I wanted to face palm the desk. Then he said "Yeah it's the headphone jack, the pins have moved" THAT'S WHAT I SAID ORIGINALLY, DOES NO ONE LISTEN?

"You have two choices" he said. "Either you can upgrade or you can buy a piece to plug your phones in the bottom"

"Ok ill buy the thing to plug in"

"We don't sell them here" JESUS CHRIST are you people trying to push me to commit murder?

A that point I picked up my iPod and left seething at the retarded gremlin 'geniuses' all looking smug and happy. Why are they so happy always smiling like someone surgically removed all mouth muscle movement? Always squeaking in high upbeat tones "Hi can I help you?","Have a nice day", bugger off. They work in a shop surrounded by apes smashing keyboards, they can not be that happy. I bet they go home at night and cry with that surgical smile on their face. It makes me sick, stop being so nice its not natural.

End of rant!

Laxatives

"Gentle relief from constipation" LIES!

It's never gentle, it feels like someone is twisting your guts with their bare hands.

Once you have taken one you have roughly seven hours before it feels like you are dying out of your bottom. Heaven forbid your not at home when the belly bomb erupts, this is always a danger.

It starts with a deep rumbling like trapped gas, this is the beginning of the end. Yes not only do you have to deal with pain but throw in an embarrassing noisy belly, like you ate a live animal and its trying to send a code through your belly button. It gets worse until it reaches an unbearable hight and you feel like you need to fart. DO NOT! Its trying to trick you, next thing you will feel is a trickle running down your leg. So at that point you run to the toilet and sit down. It's like your stomach knows.

See I never got that, how does it know? It's like when you need a wee and the closer you get to your house the stronger the urge and harder to hold it becomes. When you finally reach your front door it becomes almost impossible to keep control of those muscles. You panic and putting the key in the door becomes a struggle like no other, but your bladder wouldn't be so ready to explode if you were still on the bus. I always try and trick it in to thinking Im still on the bus...it never works...it knows.

Anyway back to the lying laxative. You sit on that toilet in agony it feels like your guts are rotting. You feel like you want to be sick because of the pain. Then come the cold sweats and shakes. You think: "Am I going to die? Its not the way I wanted to go really, on the toilet pants round my ankle with shit everywhere! Still if its good enough for Elvis"..until the release. But this is not the end of it.

You feel better and go and lay down, you need it after that. Ten minuets later, however, the pain returns that little demon is back clawing at your insides. You run back to the safety of the lav. But after this round you are afraid to leave it. So you sit there for ages and end up with a big red toilet seat mark on your bum.

Please tell me which part of this is gentle relief! I think companies should just tell the truth "painful relief from constipation" or "hurts but it will clear you out" What about "will make you think your dying but your not your having a big poo". They are always skating around what the product does, just put the truth on the box. It's like Tena lady it's a nappy for old people, or Tampons they suck up your period, just say that.

Facebook arguments

Lately I have found myself joining in on Facebook debates and arguments. Not only does this keep me amused but sometimes it's nice to feel smart.

Anyway I have noticed that people who get in to these kind of debates never fully read your counter argument. For instance, there was a debate a few days ago about Palestine and Israel. Now my comment was simply that innocent people were dying on each side, since that is what the photo was off, and sparked the debate. I added that the conflict is going to continue with every retaliation and so both sides were as bad as each other.

Notice I did not ,mention why, nor how, who's to blame, who I side with, nor did I troll through the history. I simply said to reiterate, both sides where as bad as each other as both were murdering innocent people.

Well, people seemed to take this comment very seriously. You would have thought I personally broke in to their houses, trashed it, and smeared poop all over their walls. "How can you say that? Iran did this, blah blah blah". At this point I questioned whether these people had even read my comment it became obvious later that they obviously didn't have the capacity to read something and fully comprehend it. They just felt the need to contradict or argue with an imaginary argument.

Six or seven times I had to reiterate what I said and each time they went in to the history and who was to blame and what was happening. Till at last I gave up and my final comment was "I know what's going on I am just saying that innocent people are dying on both sides, therefor, due to sheer ignorance, both are as bad. Each retaliates and with each retaliation it is the innocent which suffer. I have not commented on the history nor who is to blame or why. Bit you obviously can't read so just keep going with a non existent argument." Then you know what he did, the moron continued to go in to the history and even cited, wait for it, Wikipedia! WIKIPEDIA!! I decided this was a useless cause, he obviously had some kind of brain disorder.

Other times I just like joining in to Facebook debates just to anger people. Sometimes you get them so riled up, a perfectly sane debater turns in to a swearing tosspot. Then the best way to get them even more angry is just to reply "your mum" to everything they say.

The best are the slagging matches, although sometimes you join in and then realise its an actual argument. That can be awkward but fun to read about everyone's personal life...it's ok it's all over one of the most popular social networking working sites, hence they want everyone to know.

So in conclusion if you don't want everyone knowing every detail of your life don't update your statuses with personal info that will provoke an argument. Also read the god damn comments people write properly and don't just make up replys that make no sense. Never sight Wikipedia you will look like a simpleton. Also if you get in to a slagging match always use 'your mum' to wind them up to the max!

Awkward kids

There was this child screaming the other day in a supermarket. It was throwing itself along with items off the shelf around. The mother approached it intrepidly and said "Hunny stop that please" then she looked at the staring shoppers and said "She has ADHD".

Now I'm not saying ADHD doesn't exist, in some cases I'm sure the child has this medical disability, but I think now days if a kid is a brat it's automatically got ADHD and given drugs. I mean when we were kids, as with my parents before me, ADHD was not heard of very much. There were very few docile kids on medication and yet most of us, if not all, were well behaved.

Could this change not be due to parenting? I mean heaven forbid we blame ourselves for bringing up children who don't seem to have morals nor know the difference between right or wrong. I'm not saying children with ADHD have no morals I hasten to add. I mean, some kids are naturally energetic, I was one of those. Jumping about, never relaxed, always planning something, doing something or running about, aren't most kids? That's not the argument, they can be energetic and still well behaved. But many kids aren't nowadays they think nothing of yelling at their parents, kicking and screaming at them. Perhaps this is due to health and safety gone mad. You can't smack children anymore for all intense and purposes they have more control than the parents.

Another thing I noticed is that lots of kids and teens are socially awkward. They can't hold a decent conversation anymore. They don't know how to act in social situations. Now some people have decided this is due to them being slightly on the autistic scale. Again I'm not saying some kids don't have this problem but this surely can't be the answer for every child can it?

Could the reason for this not be that most kids haven't learned how to act with people because they spend most of their time on a Nintendo DS, mobile phone or on a computer? They simply haven't learnt how to hold a face to face conversation without a screen in front of them. It's not their fault. With all this new technology it's easier to shove them in front of a telly to keep them quiet rather than spending time playing with them, building communication skills.

This isn't the only reason though. When we were children we would be out playing on the street. Hopscotch was one of the favourites, which again has been banned because the chalk could harm the pavement. Yeah because it never rains in London and won't be washed away at any point. *Rolls eyes*

Ghost programmes

So the other day I was watching one of those programmes about a haunting and I found myself getting bored. See it's always the same crap isn't it?

It's always either a haunted basement, room in a hotel or house, or a bar. There is always some moron that sits there with a drill whiney voice telling 'their story' and its always the same one.

"I felt an eery chill", "the room was oppressive", "no one ever went down there they felt like they were being watched" yeah yeah yeah change the record. Like ghosts go about depressed and turning the heating off stalking people, they probably have better things to do. If I was a ghost I'd be hiding important stuff, moving things around, making the dog bark incessantly, pushing people over, slamming doors, pulling hair, poking people the list could go on forever.

This particular story had a woman that said "I had a viewing at the house, it felt creepy, even the sales agent didn't like it". Oh really, so why did you buy it then? Lies, you wouldn't buy a house that you didn't like the feel of. Oh I hate this house I'm just going to put my life savings in to it so I can spend everyday in it feeling horrible. I mean at least make it believable.

There is always that snotty historian as well, so proud of themselves that they went through some archives, read some information, put two and two together and came up with seventy four. As the montage of the room, now mysteriously cracked and in black and white plays, they reel off the same cock and bull story.

It's always a maid who had an affair with the master of the house, fell pregnant so he bludgeoned her to death afraid the wife would find out. Or a girl who fell in love with a man who got married to someone else so she hung herself. What about the bar owner who loved it so much he still protects it to this day from new comers. Not forgetting the evil priest who was actually in to satan worshiping. It's never something different is it? "The kitchen is haunted by a woman that chocked on a sandwich and to this day hides the ham." You never hear that!

And why are they always in white Victorian dresses? Is that sprit dress code? Their never in a hoodie and jeans.

Sometimes they have a recording from the room and its so hard to understand they put up subtitles they made up on top of it. Again it's always "get out" or "leave" it's never "good afternoon" or "I like what you have done with the place". It's like all ghosts are automatically arseholes, you die and become an aggressive twat apparently.

Babies

All my mates are having them, you go on Facebook and there is always an update of a scan or picture of a school friends foetus or new born baby. It's not that I'm not happy for them nor that I hate children just that I don't want it shoved in my face on a daily bases.

People turn from friend to mum in an instant understandably, but if your out with friends we don't want to hear how little Tommy has started potty training or smiling, or how his poo has gone from green to brown. The whole conversation revolves around the child and how it is progressing, for us, without children, I'm sorry to say, it's boring.

Then there are those pregnant women who go around showing off their bellies and wanting you to touch their baby's kicking. The fact something is moving inside you freaks some of us out especially when you see a lump protrude through the skin like an alien. Don't show me that stuff, I'd like to have kids someday and that is putting me off.

Where I used to work women would come in to show off their new bundles of joy. Every day there was some wrinkly gremlin looking thing shoved in our faces, "do you want to hold it?", nope I'm ok thanks. One of them looked like a hairy Yoda "it's ok you won't hurt him" that's not what I'm worried about, I'm worried ill catch rabies off it. Not just that, but they all still have cradle cap which is basically vagina juice, these clothes are clean and I don't want your innards touching me thanks.

Parties turn from the old fun events, where getting drunk and messing about is the main priority, to everyone watching and cooing over the kids. The girls all exclaiming "oh he/she is so cute" at some kid, snot dripping from its nose, smelling of a poopy nappy getting burped. Conversation quickly turns in to a kid competition "mine has just started walking at 6 months", "mine has started to read at 7 months", "mine has done his a levels at a year".

At this point the kids look like they are having more fun and so I usually join them rolling about on the floor which is always a mistake because now your stuck playing with them. They follow you around and end up doing things like touching hot radiators or standing on steep stairs or shoving their fingers in electrical sockets. All the while mum and dad are busy jabbering on about how great they are, and so you are left to be responsible. You think of a game to play to keep it amused and stop it from killing itself, but that ends up with you bored and them wanting to play again and again and again.

The worst thing about kids though is the screaming. They do it everywhere, doctors surgeries, shops, busses, They just don't care. It's annoying and what really winds me up is when the parent either ignores it or tries to reason quietly with it. "Gemima mummy can't get you that Barbie now she just hasn't got the time, but further to our conversation earlier I will get it for you next time if your a good girl" NO don't try and make a deal with it."You keep crying and ill give you something to cry about" was my mums favourite, one time she left me in a supermarket because I whined about not getting a new pair of shoes, I sure did cry and when she came back to get me I apologised and I never did it again.

Guys mates girlfriends

When you hang out with guys you see lots of girlfriends come and go. Some of them you like and get on with but some of them you don't.

You instantly know by your first meeting whether your going to get on or not. If she approaches with a smile and says "hi nice to meet you" shes started off well. If however she storms up with a marger face, mumbles hi and then cuts her eye at you, your not gunna get on. Even worse is when she completely ignores you like you are nothing, these girls are the worst.

Next thing you know she is following your mate around everywhere, even the bathroom. There was one girl that actually made one of my mates stand outside the ladies toilets holding her coat and talking to her while she pee'd. She is calling his phone every minuet, or 'bumping' in to you all on a night out. Then he will stop coming out with you, becoming 'pussy whipped' and you won't see him. Sometimes when you ring or tx him she is the one that responds 'he is busy with me now' ok, bitch, it's ok, she won't last long.

Anyway if the initial meeting goes well she will move on to stage two, the conversation. Here is where her motives become clear. If she starts questioning you about past girlfriends, what he is like etc shes fishing for information to use against him and or you. Just because we are both female does not mean we automatically have some sisterhood thing going on. No, he is my friend, first and foremost, and I'm gunna lie and big him up because he likes you and he wants to have sex with you. Don't get it twisted I don't know you I'm not going to divulge one of my best mates secrets to you. Furthermore you should not be putting me in this predicament lady, you should not be trying to get information on him already.

These ones are the mean ones who like to have information they can use in an argument and they have no qualms in including you and divulging on where the information came from. Then next thing you know your the one in shit for telling her stuff.

My personal favourite is the one who seems to think that because you hang out with so many guys you are a slut and have slept with them all. No just because you are a whore bag don't mean every girl is the same. She will sit with you and monitor how drunk you are before jumping in with "so which guy are you doing?" Erm none of them, their my friends..."oh come on their must have been one time" No, there must NOT be one time. Firstly I just met you I'm not telling you all the in gossip, secondly it's none of your business, thirdly stop being so bloody nosy.

Basically their trying to find out if you have sleep with their man so they can have a problem with you. These are the jealous type they will find a problem, invent a problem or just carry on about how they don't like you hanging out until they create a problem. I have had this so many times. "She fancies you" erm no I don't. "I know something happened between you two" No, nothing has happened between us, ever. "why do you spend so much time together?" so he can get away from your crazy arse. "I don't like you spending so much time together" because your crazy and making shit up in your head and trying to distance him from all his friends.

Then there are those girlfriends you actually like, the cool ones who are normal, they never last. Guys stick with the crazies it's like the rule. So guys when your female friend say 'I like her' stick with her, think about us too. I don't want to deal with a crazy and when she brakes your heart I have to deal with the crazies aftermath. So there!

Weddings

They have always strange events to me, the holy union of two people in love really makes singles feel alone. You can't get away from the happy couples rubbing their relationships in every ones face, the women imagining theirs and the men just waiting for a pint.

Most of the weddings I have been to are family ones. It starts with you trying to get an outfit that you will look good in because you want to impress family members you haven't seen in a long time. That's hard enough to get the balance between slutty and classy, many people get that wrong and end up wearing some purple frilly condom.

You get there and are greeted with family members you have never seen and your mum says "this is your third cousin Toby" or "your great aunt Valerie" if she is that great why haven't I met her before?

Then you get the inevitable conversation with like fifty people "have you got a boyfriend?" You knew it was coming.

"No"

"Oh what a shame, a pretty little thing like you. Better get one soon before your ovaries dry up and die" or something along those lines.

And you want to say "yeah or I could be like your daughter, a whore with a brat with five possible fathers, bet she wishes she had waited till her ovaries died" or "I cant limit myself to one man they pay to much and I need money for rent" but instead you hold your tongue smile and give an awkward giggle.

My favourite is "oh the next time we all meet it might be for your wedding", my response, which I regret was "or your funeral."

Then you enter the church and, I don't know about everyone but I always feel like I'm going to burst in to flames or one of the statues is going to point at me and say "I know what you have done" or the priest is going to jump out from behind a marble pillar and drag me to the confessional box before the wedding can continue. Luckily this has never happened so you enter and someone gives you a piece of crappy printed paper with the names of the people getting married. Like your not going to know "oh that's good now I know who's bloody wedding I'm attending, thank god, coz I always go to random weddings".

Next you have to go to your side, the bride or the groom. Like it makes any difference. I always think this is out of order, what if one has more people that turned up then the other, it's like a mini popularity contest.

Then there's the whole stand up, sit down crap, the long ceremony that you can't see because there is always that person with the massive hat or big head in front of you. Next is the "if anyone knows of any reason these two should not be wed speak now or forever hold your piece" and there is that long pause in which you stand still and hold your breath in case you burp or sneeze or your arm voluntarily jumps up. my fave bit is the stupid hym singing and you never know the words and can't be bothered to read them on the crappy bit of paper. So you mouth it like your joining in and there is always that person who sings them at the top of their lungs like their gods personal teachers pet.

You leave and stand around for photos for hours. Oh god, then comes the bouquet throwing half the women, me included, run for the hills, and the other half fight to the death, desperately hoping that the legend is true and they will be next. Then it's all over and the fun can begin, you would think.

No, once you get to the party bit you have to sit through speech after speech each one given by person who seems to have turned in to some crappy comedian. For some people this is to much to bare and they drink the free bottle of wine turning in to that drunk one at the wedding, I can't lie this was me once, but at least I was funny. You always get that embarrassingly drunk individual that causes trouble, the last wedding I attended this was a woman who wouldn't believe my cousin was a lesbian and said it was "unnatural" and "she must be lying". Then she went around asking who people were, when it came to me I responded "I'm the grooms mistress" which got me a swift backhand from my mum.

You can't blame them for being drunk when you think that they haven't eaten all day. As appetising as the spread of volva vons, chicken nuggets, chicken legs, cheese sandwiches and bread is, no one eats it.

Still the party must continue with the drunks and slutty dressed teens in the mood to pull dancing away to the sounds of YMCA and Celebrate good times. Because we all know no wedding is complete without pulling out the shittest music possible, Reach for the stars, It's raining men etc. I never got that pulling at weddings thing, if its a family wedding, there is like 50% chance your pulling a distant relative...shudder.

Then about 12 someone tells you it's time to go home by hoovering around you. Thank god.

I will leave you with games I play at weddings to keep you occupied when you have to go to one.
1. The who is who game. You have to make up stories for everyone there. Grayham the crack addict is dating Julie who got ghoneria off of Giles last week, look they are talking about it now. If you really want to get in to it you and a friend, cousin or mum dub the conversation with your own.
2. This one doesn't need brain power, see how much food you can shiv in people's bags without them noticing.
I hope these help.

Halloween

I was talking to a friend yesterday about Halloween and how people don't seem to understand the concept of it. He said on the 31st he walked past a group of girls dressed in school uniforms, no they were not walking home from school, they were trick or treating. Now, this is not how to do Halloween people, unless you are an ugly obese man dressed as a schoolgirl. Now that would be scary.

Unfortunately this has become a trend among many people, dressing up as some pretty, or slutty pathetic nonsense. This year the amount of Disney princesses, schoolgirls and glitter happy fairies I saw running about was sickening. As some of you know, I am a make up artist and I got asked to do a fairy, poison Ivy, and red riding hood, which I was hoping would be based on after she had been eaten by the wolf, but no "I want to look stunning" ARGH!

So I thought I would explain what Halloween is really about for all of you idiots who think it is a day to look as stunning and slutty as possible.

Halloween or All Hallows' eve was originally influenced by the Pagen and celtic harvest festival, the festival of the dead and Samhain. Samhain was a festival marking the end of harvest and welcoming the winter or darker half of the year. It was seen as the time when the door to the 'other world' opened enough for the souls of the dead and other beings and mythical creatures, like fairies, could enter our world. Feasts were held to beckon the souls of the departed to once more attend their family homes. However harmful spirits were also thought to be active upon this night. People took steps to allay or ward off these evil spirits which is why we wear costumes.

To scare them off, 'SCARE' being the operative word. Notice it does not say invite them to hump and or follow you.

For all of you that read the 'mythical creatures, like fairies' bit, and are now trying to justify your dainty, glittery little crappy costume, listen up: Fairies are mythical beings and were believed to be dead or some form of demon. Folk law revolves around protection from this harmful creatures malice. In particular how to defend against them stealing your baby, substituting changelings and abducting old people. HA so not some blooming pretty, wish granting, wand holding slut after all!

I hope this helps you all fix the hell up and get gory and bloody next year like your supposed to.

No to fliers

Ok so normally I, like many of you, are one of those people who don't accept fliers from people on the street. I understand it gets annoying having pieces of paper shoved in your face while you are hurrying around this big city. It's not like you get it once in a while, it's a daily occurrence, either someone's trying to sell you something, have you sign up for something or promoting something.

But for the last few weeks I have been one of those hellish flyer givers, promoting the salon I work for. Now I know how frustrating it is to be ignored like I am some kind of paranormal creature. I know some people don't want random bits of paper floating around their bags, believe me I get it. However I know you saw me, you know you saw me, we both know you know I'm there don't just walk past and not acknowledge my existence it's down right rude.

Oh and for all of you that are on the phone, whatever, funny how it didn't ring but you conveniently answered it at the point where you may have to communicate with, god forbid, a stranger with a leaflet.

What's worse though is those people who look at you with fire in their eyes and yell 'no'. Usually these are the people, in my humble opinion, that need the beauty treatments. Walking around with hair like they just got pulled a bush backwards and a face like a dribbling fish. You need a beauty flier, I'm only trying to help you politely here.

Lastly are those that take it begrudgingly, but don't have the balls to either ignore you or yell 'no'. They pretend to browse it with a thoughtful expression as they walk off and then dash it on the floor when your out of eye shot. I know who you are, I didn't need to see you throw it. Ok firstly these cost money, man up, have the guts to say no, but smile while you do it so your not in the above category. Secondly do you think I like standing here? Do you think it's a hobby for me? No! For you to throw it away is like you are saying my job is worthless. Don't insult my intelligence at least keep it until you get home then put it in to the recycle bin.

Next time you see a flier giver don't do any of the above!

Michelle why are you late?

The reason for my lateness and pure unadulterated frustration is suicide. Yes I am late because some selfish moron decided to take his life by throwing himself in front of a train.

People! there are other ways of killing yourself without inflicting problems on the rest of London. There are many ways you can cause your own death from the safety (ha the irony) of your own home. So do that.

I mean seriously while you no longer have to deal with the day ahead, the rest of us do. We have to bowl in to work half an hour late and explain how some ignorant twat disrupted our journey. Then we have to catch up in our lunch break or even worse, stay late missing our well earned chill out time and if we don't we end up behind and stressed. Probably a bit like you before you decided to bugger up everyone's day. All because you had to make some big old gestured dramatic exit.

Another thing, actually while we are on the subject, people don't want to see that, we'll done flattened dead man you just scarred a whole platform of people for the rest of their lives. Not to mention the train driver who probably cries himself to sleep now and has to go through years of therapy to get rid of the image of your old carcass flying at his face.

So anyone who thinks that jumping in front of a train is a valid way out...IT'S NOT!

Transcribing journalists hell

Yesterday I was given the job to transcribe an interview with the marketing director of a big fashion house (I will not disclose the name). It was a 45 minuet interview and took me literally 6 hours to do. Why? I hear you scream, why did it take so long?

The reason for this was because the interviewee was a rambling, mumbling, bafoon. I mean, journalists as a whole dislike having to transcribe anything let alone an interview that consisted of umming ahing and consistent stuttering. Not that I have anything against stuttering, if it is a medical condition but when the stutter occurs due to your brain trying to pick bullshit from thin air it become a problem.

It wasn't just the mumbling that angered me. It was the way this man spoke about things, with an inner confidence that made me visualise some middle aged balding fat rich man with his nose stuck in the air. The pinnacle of my anger arrived when he spoke about his work with certain celebrities "oh yes, me and Amy as I called her" NO Mr big shot Miss Whinehouse to you!

So the moral of this rant to all of you being interviewed please think about what your going to say before hand and don't just start making crap up. Think before you speak!

Leggings are not tights!

Tights should not be worn instead of leggings. I don’t understand why girls seem to feel the need to prance around with a short t-shirt and only tights to cover their modesty it’s just not necessary.

Last week as I was standing on the escalator on my way home from work I looked up to be faced with, what can only be described as, an almost bare bottom. I was horrified and had no idea where to look. It seemed however, that I was the only one since I was surrounded by aghast men who were ogling this young girls behind. She seemed blissfully unaware but I decided there and then I should let people know that tights are not an ideal leg covering when wearing a t-shirt. 

I have noticed this ridiculous trend snowballing in to fashion over the last two years and I’m not quite sure how it has made it this far. I have two theories though. The first theory is that the trend of the t-shirt dress from last summer somehow confused many girls who decided that they either couldn’t afford one, although that is impossible with such cheap retail outlets about, or that an ordinary t-shirt would suffice. Well it doesn’t, everyone can see your rump! My second theory, although even more unbelievable, is that a few women are confused with the difference between footless tights and leggings. Well just for all you bum flaunters, here is the difference, tights are translucent.

Most of the girls following this trend, I have noticed, look like they have miscoloured stick legs just poking out of a baggy old t-shirt. It’s obscene and it’s downright vile for any girl to wear. However, if your legs look like twiglets that are about to break do not reveal them to the world with clod hopper boots on the ends. Plus sizes you’re not getting away with it either, don’t think for one minute that the meat on your legs combined with compensating boots for ballet shoes is any better, it’s still unflattering. 

Lastly girls if you feel that you must flaunt this look, please, for the love of god wear some decent underwear. There are quite a few types and brands out there that don’t just cater for the big granny fanny but the young modest woman who dislikes the feeling of dental floss between her bum cheeks.

Oxford Street

Oxford Street used to, for me, be a magical place. Every Christmas me and my family would take a trip to look at the lights and the amazing Selfridges windows. Yes they used to put in some effort unlike now where they just chuck mannequins in the windows surrounded by fake snow laden with exquisite designer clothing that, let’s face it none of us can afford.

Anyway, before I digress any further, I loved Oxford Street even in my teens it was a place of excitement and fun. We would grab our skateboards make our way to Monument in Hyde Park and the day would inevitably end in Trocadero. We would walk up Oxford street spending our pocket money on little knick knacks and just have a great day out together.

But Oxford Street no longer brings fun and excitement. It now holds connotations of anger and frustration. I would go as far as to say I bloody hate it.

First off what is with the morons that seem to meander around in some kind of dream like state. You know the ones, and if you don’t, you’re probably that person, and if you are, Fix the hell Up. Their usually dressed to the nines, on their mobile, and think they have fallen from heaven. Their so fixated on swishing their hair and trying to be the best thing since sliced bread they have no idea about others around them. These are the ones you have to walk slowly behind because your numerous attempts to overtake have been scarpered by people coming in the other direction or a hair flick. You walk behind them thinking ‘just fucking move.’ That’s right; no one is thinking ‘oh this person is so amazing.’ Were all thinking how much we hate you and whether risking our lives in using the busy road just to get away from you is worth it.

Next there are the tourists, don’t get me wrong I have nothing against tourists, however learn how to walk will ya. They walk along jabbering with each other in one line, taking up the entire pavement. Seriously? You can’t walk in two’s, like normal people learnt in school, as children? That never stuck did it? Why take up a whole pavement? For those of you who go about in big groups please take note, don’t. Another thing you do that pisses Londoners off is when you get in a group for a picture and then the person with the camera stands there forever trying to take it. Were nice people, were accommodating people, that’s why were not walking in the cameras shot, but don’t take the piss with how long and how many you take.

Now, those people who just don’t know how to react in busy social environments, they have no idea, like they have walking aspergers. They walk along then just stop with no warning causing a situation where everyone is bumping in to the person in front. That’s right you have just caused Londoners to touch strangers...we do not like this. These are the same people who look in to a shop window about ten times, while slowly walking past. The shit in the window is not going to change within a minute, you like something go in you don’t just walk past it’s not exactly brain surgery is it. Another thing they do is just turn around and change direction, just like that, turn to face you, what are you doing? Sometimes you’re not expecting it and end up with a nose bump or worse, lip touch. I don’t want to catch your idiocy just stop it. Sometimes these people decided last minute to go in to a shop and walk right across you, almost tripping you up. They also do this at crossings walk across the crossing in a lopsided way because they obviously didn’t think it through.

So people, well done, you have destroyed Oxford Street for me, and probably many others. If your reading this and don’t know what I’m talking about then you are one of these people. Take note and just sort it out. 

HELO

So of those of you who know me well, you will know that I am famous for my random rant spurts. So I decided to start a blog about shit that annoys the crap out of me. Happy reading!