There is train etiquette...read this and please stick to it!

The quickest way to get around London is by tube, everyone knows this. Which explains why so many bozos also use it.

As soon as you enter the train station the anger starts to mount. You get to the ticket machine to top up your oyster card, inevitably there is a que. The people in the que always take forever, what takes so long? Ill tell you what takes so long, stupidity. They fumble around for their oyster card in their bag, like why didn’t you do that while you were standing in the que? Then they fumble around for their purse. Did you think the top up was free?

By this time you have missed a train and now you have to wait for the next one. You now make your way to the escalator...that’s right another que. But this one could be avoided easily, by walking down them. You see, there are two sides to an escalator, one for the people who want to stand and one for people to walk down. That is why on one side is kept clear, for people who are moving. But here is the thing, there is always one absolute moron who stands on the moving side. WHY? Do you think people stand on one side in single file for fun? No. Its because the side your standing on is for people walking down. How can you be so unaware of your surroundings? How is that possible? You can see no one is standing on that side, you can see people walking and you must be able to realise there is now traffic mounting of tutting people behind you.   

On the platform you see people just standing around everywhere paying no attention to anything. You try to walk down the platform to get out of the mass of sheep that have formed close to the entrance. ‘Excuse me’ does not work, these zombies do not move they just stand there like the brainless bints they are. So you gently push your way through to a piece of space and stand back near the wall like a normal person, to let people pass. But there are always some idiots that walk along and stand right in front of you the dumbest of which stand on or past the yellow line. Contrary to popular belief the yellow line is there for a reason it’s not just a weird design put there for decoration. It’s saying: “don’t stand on or past me if you do you could fall or get hit by the train”. I mean to be honest your safety means nothing to me, I don’t care if you want to put your own life at risk. What I care about is if you get hit or fall on to the tracks you’re holding up my journey, your ignorance is going to me late.

The train comes, usually after a delay of some kind because some pillock fell on to the tracks. At this point the sheep start moving towards the doors before they even open, ramming each other out of the way. The doors open and instead of letting people off the train like first they push their way on forcing a jam between sheep wanting to get on the train and off it. Now we’re at a stand off. Slowly they push past each other using sheer force and determination. At this point if there is no room or the doors are closing don’t try and jump on, getting your big stupid head stuck in the closing doors. Well done, now we have to watch as the doors open and close repeatedly making us later than we already are.

Now we are all on the train packed in like sardines near the doors because some douphes don’t have the brain power to realise that if they just move down in to the carriage there will be more room for everyone. The worst people in these situations are those who lean on the poles, great you selfish twat now there is nothing to hold on to for everyone else, unless we want to touch a part of you. Tall people, You guys can reach the god damned hanging things, hold on to them. Leave the poles for us short people. Also think about short people, I always end up with some tall man who keeps backing up forcing me in to the smallest corner of the carriage and keeps leaning on me until I scream at his dumb lanky ass.

That’s another thing, personal space. I understand we have to deal with the little space we have been given. However that doesn’t mean you can put your hands wherever you want. The close vicinity we are forced to stand in does not give the right for rubbing, pinching or caressing strangers. It does not warrant a wandering hand. Keep your hands to yourself. Also I do not want your stinky arm pit in my face.  

Its not just armpits that stink though. I mean it’s inevitable that one may end up in your face on a train, for this reason you should wash and wear deodorant. Also don’t breathe your stinky breath all over the place. Breathe through your nose I don’t want you breathing on me. Don’t eat stinky food on the train or before getting on one. Why should we have to suffer? Oh and don’t forget those people who burp, cough and sneeze without putting their hand up to their face. Stop spreading your germs. It’s disgusting. Its almost as bad as those people that piss and vomit on trains, I once saw a man piss himself on a seat, then vomit as he stumbled off. It was funny though as some woman pushed an old woman out the way to sit in that seat, yes she sat in the piss ridden seat, and it served her right.

That’s another thing why do people fight for seats; it’s like survival of the laziest. Jeez you have legs use them don’t fight people to sit down. I never sit down because I usually end up standing for an old person who is upset that I thought her old enough to be offered a seat or a pregnant woman who is just fat. So to avoid this I just stand. But then I see elderly frail people get on or heavily pregnant people and no one offers them a seat. Healthy men and women will sit while someone suffers standing. It just shows the nature of mankind and how uncaring, we as a nation have become.

This is why I hate trains they makes us turn in to animals!   

HA! Hospital my backside

My last blog was on my trip to the doctors. If you haven’t read it maybe you should go and take a quick look. Near the end it developed in to a rant on hospitals so I decided to continue but in a different blog.

If you don’t have time to check that one out the doctor said that if my temperature lasts more than three days I should go to the hospital...No Way!

My Nan went in to hospital for an operation that ‘rid her of cancer’ a week after the op she died...of cancer. The funny thing is she kept saying “I’m dying” we were like, “no you’re not, your fine” because the doctor had said she was cured, he had got rid of all her cancer. She had bad pains so we took her back to the hospital, even then the doctor said “What are you doing here? There is nothing wrong with you.” But there was, and she knew that better than any doctor. A few days later she died and what did the autopsy find out? That she died of Cancer!

Another example is that of my neighbor's mum who went in to hospital after a fall in which she hit her head. She was ‘checked’ over and they found she had a bad liver. A few days later my neighbor noticed a strange smell coming from her mother’s room she went to look at her head and found an oozing pussy bloody smelly mess. When she questioned the nurse, she was told “Oh I didn’t know she had a bad head.” The doctor said the same thing but that’s why she was originally there, for falling and hitting her head, despite this there was nothing about her head in her medical notes. But how could it have gone unnoticed when it was oozing blood and smelly puss?

My own experiences with hospitals are very slim. I do not go to them and I have never stayed in one. But the one time I had to go they did not have the right equipment. My smear had shown abnormalities and pre-cancerous cells and I was called in for a biopsy, the first one went well although the results were abnormal so I was called back for a second one. The gynecologist had a look with a camera, as did I, as there was a TV with a massive image of my vagina on it, which was seriously off putting. Not only are you going to feel me ripping you in two with the smallest clamp I can be bothered to find but you’re going to see it too. Then she shoves a camera and cotton bud up there and puts dye in that changes colour, to which she explains “Yes you need another biopsy, the cells are abnormal. But I don’t have the right equipment for that. So we will have to call you back.” That was two months ago, I’m still waiting to hear whether they have the ‘right equipment’ yet.     

Here’s another example, my other Nan was admitted in to hospital New Years day because she fell over. They sent her back home and the next day she was readmitted with a broken leg. They took her in to operate and during the operation found out she hadn’t just broken one leg but both of them. So her operation went from one leg to two while in the operating theatre causing her to lose a lot of blood and ending up in the ICU unit. Luckily she pulled through. But that is just the beginning of my complaints about her stay. While in the ICU they said she wouldn’t eat we went in and found out that the reason for that was she hadn’t been given her false teeth. So we had to go to find her possessions which were in a plastic bag in the old ward. When she was then sent to another ward, after waiting all day to be moved, we made sure her things went with her.

In the new ward things didn’t get much better. First of all they complained that again she was not eating. We went to make sure she had her teeth in this time and we found they were simply putting the food in front of her. Which would be fine...If she could see. We were very surprised that no one had picked up on the fact that she is partially sighted. So we told them and after a few days they finally put up a sign at her bed. But guess what? It doesn’t end there. The other day we found blisters or bed sores on her heels that no one had noticed. Now this means she hasn’t been checked over, had her bed changed, been washed, asked if she feels any pain, and raises all sorts of questions. One most notably being that the physiotherapist’s advice, to get her out of bed and in to a chair daily, has not happened.

Hospitals and the NHS have been in the news for numerous mistakes just last week there was a story of a woman who went in for a bypass and died because they left a hole in her stomach. It’s not good enough. But of course their argument is ‘We are understaffed due to funding’. That does not explain why people who work for them don’t use their brains, notice simple things or do what they are supposed to. No wonder so many accidents happen and there are so many unexplained deaths. 

There is no fury like a sick woman in a Doctors surgery.

Going to the doctors is a complete farce now days, in fact, in my opinion, it’s completely pointless. That’s why, if I go to one, believe me, I am sick. I’m talking mind numbingly, wheezy breathing, fainting, high fevered in agonising pain, sick. Even then I don’t know why I bothered.

Is it any wonder people don’t bother going to see a doctor? Many of us simply don’t have the time. I usually leave for work at 7.30am and get home at 8ish pm. Since the surgery opens at 8 and closes at 5 I don’t get time to go unless I take the day off. So I awoke Tuesday morning in absolute agony down my ear and throat and thought, ‘damn it I have got an ear infection’. I rang work and said I would be in late. I then had to wait till 8am to ring up on the extremely lucky chance they will have an emergency appointment. Luckily, on this occasion they did.

Usually you try and get an appointment and they are fully booked. So you try and book one for the day after but their fully booked. You ask ‘When is your next appointment then?’ and they um and arr and finally respond “Next week.” So now you have to book being sick a week in advance, you have to pre-empt your illness. “Right” let’s face it, you expected nothing less than disappointment when you started to make this phone call it comes as no surprise to you. “Well can I book for next week then?” haha, no, no you can’t! Because their ‘appointment books’ don’t go that far, but guarantied when you ring up on Monday their fully booked. How, how did you get booked? Where are all these sick people? Who is booking so many appointments?

 Anyway, they give me an appointment in an hour’s time. I’m ready for work anyway, so just make my way there and arrive twenty minutes early in the vein hope that being there early may speed up the process. It didn’t.

I sat there, in the waiting room, surrounded by sick people, for an hour. An entire hour, sat there on mismatched stained seats flicking through old ripped up magazines from the nineties. But at least I’m not alone, right? No I’m surrounded by smelly, weird people. So these are the ones booking all the appointments. They all look contagious coughing, spluttering and sneezing, without even the common decency to cover their mouths spraying their dirty diseases everywhere. You see one or two of them stumble to the desk to complain but none of them have the capacity to speak English, either because they haven’t bothered to learn it or because they’re too drunk to understand. I’m not joking either, there was one woman who smelt like a farmyard, and looked like she had been dragged through a bush backwards, sitting there spinning wool. While a lanky bearded skinny, piss smelling man sat opposite her mumbling. A few teens came in and limped up to the counter, I’m surprised the boys can walk with their pants round their ankles and the girls can even move while that pregnant, to be honest. “I needs appointment innit blud?” Please? Thank you? No chance from such, clearly well educated individuals.

Also, why is there no hand sanitizer? The NHS bangs on about not spreading diseases and yet there is no hand sanitizer in most of the doctors surgeries. Is this not one of the places sick people who have contagious diseases go? Did I get that wrong? Maybe I did, it does look like the inside of a community help center!

I digress, I do apologise. I finally get called in to the Doctor who says she hasn't seen me in a long time and how am I? Oh I’m fine, just came for a chat...I’m sick stupid why else would I be here? And of course you haven’t seen me, I can’t be bothered to fight all the misfits in the waiting room, surely it’s a good thing she hasn't seen me anyway? I explain my throat and ear hurt she checks it, there’s nothing wrong with my ear so she tries to send me home. “No” I yell “there is something wrong this pain is not ‘nothing’” she looks thoughtful and checks my throat, and of course it’s a little swollen. “Oh” she exclaims and then feels the outside of my neck “aha” she mumbles before listening to my breathing through a stethoscope. “You have a respiratory infection; your glands have swollen to protect yourself that’s where the pain is coming from. You have probably had it for a while, from over exerting yourself in this cold weather. But your glands are doing a good job so I’m not going to give you medication.” Thank god, it’s like £8 for prescription medicine now days.  “Have you had a temperature?” she continued.

“I don’t know, I don’t own a thermometer” I said.

“You should get one and keep an eye on it. If you get a temperature come back and see me. Its good you came so you know and keep an eye on it” she said. No what’s good is that a second ago I didn't take your quick ear check and dismissal, that’s what’s good. “If your temperature stays for more than three days you should go to hospital” she said, as she sent me on my way, wheezing like a fat man thinking ‘hospital? Yeah right!’

Here, this rant, developed in to one on hospitals so I decided to end it and my next blog will continue in the same vein.

    

Country Roads

So I have been working and staying with my friend in high barnet. I am loving it but there is one slight hiccup, I have an hours walk to work and back again, which normally wouldn't bother me. Here, in what I call the country, it is downright dangerous especially at night.

Firstly the pavements are extremely narrow and you find yourself actually standing in the road to let other people pass. So you end up standing on a very busy road faced with dodging on coming traffic. Why are the pavements not wider? Like if I was building a pavement I would make sure there was enough room for at least two people to walk side by side down it. It's not like there isn't the room to even expand the pavement. On one side is the deadly road and on the other just bushes. Cut back the god damn bushes to save people dying, it's not rocket science.

This is a pretty dangerous during the day, but at night time becomes a fight for survival. The lighting is so bad that you can barely see a foot in front of you. The cars cant see you, they speed around bends oblivious of your presence. If you have to step in to the road now because some other person is coming in the other direction your dead. But now the cars are the least of your worries, actually they become your friend because they bring people and light. Not like those dark bushes, that take up pavement space and could easily conceal a rapist, murderer, thief or dead body. I mean its not like people clean the bushes or look through them, of that I have proof in the form of a dead fox that I have walked past, laying in one of them for a week.

At this point you are probably thinking, why not use the pavement on the other side of the road? Well I will tell you. Because there isn't one! There is one pavement that cleverly alternates sides. Note the sarcasm in 'cleverly'. It's the stupidest idea ever, whoever had it should be made to stand in that road as a lollypop man...forever. I would like to add there would be room for another pavement except for the fact that massive houses with their rich old owners need that extra foot of garden on top of the 90 foot squared one they have.

"But crossing a road is easy" you may say. No it's not. They don't even have proper lights or pavements what makes you think someone would put in a crossing.There are no pelican crossings, zebra crossings, red light crossings, or another kind of crossings because that would make sense. So now not only can the cars not see you, your trying to avoid the rapists and hoping someone doesn't want to walk past you but now you have to cross the road without a crossing or light. Even if the cars can see you they don't stop. You see the drivers look at you and just drive past. They know you want to cross and don't care. On the odd occasion someone does stop to let you cross it is usually a man in a white van. Yeah say what you want about white van men but at least they stop traffic to
let you cross.

The last bit of this rant is about this inconsiderate nobs that decide to park on the only pavement and safe walkway forcing you to walk in the road. Where the cars should be.

Some of you may say "we'll maybe these roads aren't for walking." Why is there a pavement then? Ha?