Babies

All my mates are having them, you go on Facebook and there is always an update of a scan or picture of a school friends foetus or new born baby. It's not that I'm not happy for them nor that I hate children just that I don't want it shoved in my face on a daily bases.

People turn from friend to mum in an instant understandably, but if your out with friends we don't want to hear how little Tommy has started potty training or smiling, or how his poo has gone from green to brown. The whole conversation revolves around the child and how it is progressing, for us, without children, I'm sorry to say, it's boring.

Then there are those pregnant women who go around showing off their bellies and wanting you to touch their baby's kicking. The fact something is moving inside you freaks some of us out especially when you see a lump protrude through the skin like an alien. Don't show me that stuff, I'd like to have kids someday and that is putting me off.

Where I used to work women would come in to show off their new bundles of joy. Every day there was some wrinkly gremlin looking thing shoved in our faces, "do you want to hold it?", nope I'm ok thanks. One of them looked like a hairy Yoda "it's ok you won't hurt him" that's not what I'm worried about, I'm worried ill catch rabies off it. Not just that, but they all still have cradle cap which is basically vagina juice, these clothes are clean and I don't want your innards touching me thanks.

Parties turn from the old fun events, where getting drunk and messing about is the main priority, to everyone watching and cooing over the kids. The girls all exclaiming "oh he/she is so cute" at some kid, snot dripping from its nose, smelling of a poopy nappy getting burped. Conversation quickly turns in to a kid competition "mine has just started walking at 6 months", "mine has started to read at 7 months", "mine has done his a levels at a year".

At this point the kids look like they are having more fun and so I usually join them rolling about on the floor which is always a mistake because now your stuck playing with them. They follow you around and end up doing things like touching hot radiators or standing on steep stairs or shoving their fingers in electrical sockets. All the while mum and dad are busy jabbering on about how great they are, and so you are left to be responsible. You think of a game to play to keep it amused and stop it from killing itself, but that ends up with you bored and them wanting to play again and again and again.

The worst thing about kids though is the screaming. They do it everywhere, doctors surgeries, shops, busses, They just don't care. It's annoying and what really winds me up is when the parent either ignores it or tries to reason quietly with it. "Gemima mummy can't get you that Barbie now she just hasn't got the time, but further to our conversation earlier I will get it for you next time if your a good girl" NO don't try and make a deal with it."You keep crying and ill give you something to cry about" was my mums favourite, one time she left me in a supermarket because I whined about not getting a new pair of shoes, I sure did cry and when she came back to get me I apologised and I never did it again.